| and the cycle never ends |
[28 Oct 2004|09:31pm] |
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mood |
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 the faces of the world |
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music |
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garden state soundtrack |
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fucking hell. the world will eat itself alive, and if it doesnt happen soon, all the little rats living heart will tear it apart themselves. How patheitc are we, so called thinking human begins, that support the killing of others, the facilitation of fear and hate? How pathetic are we, that our opinions shift day to day so that no one may know us, we alone are at best. Pathetic, typical, the cycle never ends. Nothing will ever explain the frown I make upon viewing society. Lossing friends, talking shit, making up shit, chaning your mind day to day, being something ur not, not staying true, fucking with people's minds, hurting others, self-interest, nothing, no self-less love, we are nothing but fragements. Scratches on the walls of jail cells, imprisoned in our own ignorance and arrogance. Asking the fish, "what is water?" and he replies by turning his back. I know i've changed and i know i'm different, but at least people can recognize me! I am proud to say i am atheist, i am socialist, i am slightly overweight, i am mean, i am skeptical, i am me me me me and NOTHING can change me. Acceptance will open the blinded children's eyes. Seeks truth not in answers, but in the questions themselves. There is a bigger world then ur fucking hair, clothes, car, and opinions. Remember, when you die, the realization that all you even truly owned was your own mind will come to you, because you are too blinded to see that now. Pray for your suicide.
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| i hate long good-byes anyway |
[27 May 2004|03:29pm] |
irony is a dead scene....
i guess i have to say, this is my first break up. Maybe u dont see it that way. But it is, and it really really hurts. Even though things will be better. It hurts so much. Its just like tearing me apart on the inside. Becase i really do care alot about him. thats why im doing this, because i care. he deserves to be with people who appreciate what he does more than we do. And we deserve someone who gets along with us better. Hopeully things will be better. IM acting like a fucking girl. i guess i really just wanted to write to tel you, thanks for still being here for me. Its one thing that repeats alot through my mind, what would i do without you? Ur indirectly the center to everything i do. but yea i gotta go. Thats good ur telling ur mom the truth about things. Just be careful what u say and when u say it. Not everything is good to tell ur mom. But ill ttyl, love you
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love so much! dont think that ill ever leave you because ive already promise and ill promise again that i wont leave you ok?
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im sorry, for fucking up. It seems that i fuck up alot, and i just feel like a complete failure to you. I feel like i shouldnt deserve ur forgiveness. Because thats how much i love you, that im getting sick that i hurt you. I dont want to let it happen again. U know whoever ur with, or not with, im always going to love you. BEcause u are to me what love is. And i cant help that, i always feel alittle resentment to the guys you date, because in the back of my head i still feel like that should be me and not "him." But im gonna try not to do shit like this again. And i hope that this will just make me realize that i care so much about you. It it does, because i was torn up about it these past couple of weeks. But thats what i got to say, and ill start talking to you
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at least i can keep my half of the promise... i will always love you
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| If the earth is not a cold dead place, then why do i shiver? |
[19 Apr 2004|12:14pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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music |
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Outkast- Aquemini |
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"Extinguish and Explode"
Suppressed feelings equal an explosion of emotions one never could prepare for.
In the coldest hour of the longest night, the darkness will overtake the light.
Emptiness will reign, and hope will die.
Doves, they will fall; and crows, they will fly.
The fire extinguishes as it pours from the depth of your heart past your lips.
Blank eyes stare back at you,
revealing an expression.
Confused: Lost: Streams replace the fire that once burned across those now shimmering eyes.
And this is where you are--
Cold. Alone.
Crying.
This is what it feels like to be alive.
SMILE YOU FUCKERS, AT LEAST THE GLASS HAS SOMETHING IN IT AT ALL.
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| smile you fuckers |
[17 Feb 2004|01:05am] |
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mood |
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 numb |
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music |
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Every Time I Die- Hit of the Search Party |
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Keep friends and enemies close, so that its easy to kill both (2/16/04)
I can make out the faint smell of deceit in your breath-
in every breath you lie out.
It doesn't seep out of you, because you deliberately expel it.
Like a poverty-stricken whore you snitch every little thing you shit-stained eyes set on.
Even for only a second.
But once you desire it, you know you must have it.
Though it seems I may mind, truthfully I don't.
Those priceless but cheaply sold "objects" and like antiques I've only heard of.
Too rare to be seen, yet too common to be noticed.
So steal from me what truly I never and will never own.
You can call them yours, but like wise they can never be.
Its the back and fourth game of cat and mouse,
and I' mso hungry I could swallow you whole and not even choke.
You'd try and struggle as your fraile, dependent body crushes between my throat.
I'll wash you down with a shot of abhoration, followed by a glass of admiration.
And irony is the dessert for tonight.
It settles not only in my stomach, but in my mind as well.
There is nothing that can compare to the hate I have for you,
except perhaps the love that we share, too.
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| Fun for everyone yes yes |
[07 Feb 2004|12:38pm] |
Remember in elementary school when you did those poems, like of your name on the side and a line for each letter? Haha, those were the days. I thought of this the same night at the "You Put the 'Fun' in 'Funeral'" thing.
F is for the fight that this is all about,
F is for the fucking words that we shout.
U is for the understatments that we make,
U is for the unity we so easily break.
N is for the night that only adds to this cold.
N is for the "never" that has made this grow old.
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| This song never ends |
[07 Feb 2004|12:18pm] |
Well this fucking sucks. I was supposed to go to Brittany's tonight and we were gonna chill at Maty's and they said there was a crap load of people there and it was gettin crunk but of course, the one time my mom has to be non-convincable, so she didn't let me. Justin and all them are hanging out with chris which isn't a big deal really, it just makes me giggle to picture them in a room together all hanging out, he's the new girl-pants wearing "emo" kid haha. My paycheck was the SHIT this week which is great for the concert crap next week yes yes. I'm kind of tired, just mad and quiet, reflective i guess because there's nothing better to do. Me and sanyu are spending the night at her crib tomorrow! it's been so long, i'm soooo excited! I love that girl. I miss justin which is extrememly pathetic, but not because i'm bored, but because i want to cheer up, this night isn't good. Splendid, but the best ican do is hope tomorrow's better right. Well, my poem is the following, except I can't really say it's a poem at all, I was just watching Dr. Phil a while ago and got the idea hahahhahaha HE'S TAKING OVER THE WORLD! lol yes i bet. I like writing because you can exaggerate what you feel into something so, well, beautiful, because it comes straight from all your emotions. Yes, such a comfort to have. well ttyl bye. Trackstar tomorrow night by the way at swayzes.
Inhale (1/27/04)
My true love would be someone who I could sit, not in an empty room with, but in a completely filled room with- it making no difference because we would just gaze into each other's eyes and anything and everything would disappear except us. The only thought would be, not of the future, but of right now and realizing how blessed this moment is because we have each other. It would be as if the unnoticed world around us in all it's nothingness was the everything ciculating inside. It is that emptyness that fulfills me and pulls me closer to you, I am satisfied. And though this takes my breath away, I feel like this is the first breath I have ever taken in. It can make no difference where we are, just as long as we'll always be in each other's thoughts. You make my mind blur and my hands shake- I want to feel this way forever.
Quote I like very much:
His heart is a suspended lute;
Whenever one touches it, it resounds.
(Poe, The Fall of the House of Usher)
Thought? I cannot replace the past, for I am merely the future.
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| a positive cancels a negative, true or false? |
[26 Jan 2004|11:02pm] |
tonight was as i lay dying and sworn enemy fun fun fun, didn't go however but know some freaks who did haha. man oh man, i had $70 on thursday and now i have $16. I guess thats what you get for being nice/lazy/fat/emotionally ormentally hungary haha.
Lyrics for the night: (Every Time I Die- Punch-Drunk Punk Rock Romance)
You said my heart sounded like a payphone in the rain: distorted, distant, scrambled and desperate. Baby I swear to God tonight I'm sober...
Thing I will remember tommorrow: "You're driving me crazy" (ahhhhhhh me too)
SHIOT from a while ago ---- later haha i gtg
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| Shape my body as I feel |
[21 Jan 2004|07:36pm] |
If I don't know how that is, than I doubt you do either. Well new but rather its not new, stuff to put up. By the way Sanyu, I love you to death and I miss you so much, just I question your actions and I wish you would talk to me ok? Much love to those riding down 85, shotee hahahaha. By the way, I like guys in tight pants i noticed today it is very pleasing. Also, everyone needs ot be at the masquerade on February 11th at 7pm for $10. Ok yeah here:
Exhale (1/10/04)
I always exhale the deepest sighs, I could spend forver starring into your eyes.
As much as I hate faith and feeling this way, I feel I'd be happy if I died here today.
Life has a way of beating us up and dropping us down.
Yet my left seems complete and content when you're around.
And it's now even that I love you or that I need you forever.
But I'm just so glad that I have somoene like you who makes anything better.
This simply is to say thank you for being just right and always there.
These are the words I wish to say in place of a sigh and a deep stare.
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| We're only 15,16,17,18 years old... |
[20 Jan 2004|12:40pm] |
I'm not too sure why I wrote this/these, but I guess I thought it would interesting to do something like the girl's take on a situation, and the second being the guy's. I attempted to make them look and sound related so thats why there's repetitions and restatements all over the place. Comments welcome.
Why I Love You So Much... (1/7/04)
Push even harder so that any damage can't be mended.
Rip into any hole just as nature intended.
I want to feel you now, so bad that my grandchildren will feel you too.
I want to feel you so bad my face will turn purple and blue.
Live up to the expression, and fuck my brains out.
We'll set the standards out what screwing's all about.
My body needs to feel like it's been in a train crash.
My body needs to feel like a stomped on piece of trash.
Tear me into pieces like a blender would.
Murder me like Charles Manson never could.
A mother of four could cry out in pain from you,
so make me feel like a 12 year old girl, innocent and new.
You're the Christopher Columbus of my top and chest.
You're the Hitler of my lower half and all the rest.
Explore me, command me, destroy me.
I want to feel this in me weekly.
My mouth craves your taste,
so let no liquids go to waste.
Thinking of you my body already aches.
Visualizing you on top of me, my legs already shake.
I want to scream out your name,
not out of love, but out of pain.
Hurting never felt better than this,
therefore you don't even have to worry about an after-sex kiss.
Why I Hate You So Much... (1/9/04)
You have a way of killing me no murderer would ever think of.
You have a way of twisting hate to appear in the form of love.
With bare hands you grab my heart and disconnect it from the rest of my body.
With intentions of deceit you plan your games and play them on me.
Why did you ever make me feel like the best?
Why did you have to pick me among the rest?
Mendacious words, decomposed promises, and nights alone.
The acts you commit, God could never condone.
Am I less of a man because I can feel?
Does this make me weaker, because my emotions are real?
My body is broken and battered with damage no doctor could ever fix.
My heart's permanently shred into pieces because that part you took it will always miss.
I suppose I was better off never even getting a taste,
but still I can't believe you would let what we had go to waste.
You just had to take your sweet time,
Forcing me to cry sour tears realizing you weren't mine.
You'll live on, for the greatest murderers always do,
but that night I died when you left without responding "I love you, too."
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| It just keeps getting better |
[20 Jan 2004|12:01am] |
I think I'll write something and then maybe something else and do that so i can gradually add all the stuff I've already written with the stuff I'll be writing yeah.
You Put The "Fun" in "Funeral" (1/18/04)
With nonchalant actions
you pulled her in and sucked the life right out of her.
Did you read it somewhere?
That calling her "gorgeous" made her melt?
She melted right into the puddle on the ground.
Remember the one you stumbled over this morning.
Yeah admit it, she almost made you trip.
Still, you know you're too good for that.
And she knows.
When you love her the way she loves you,
confidence can hide nothing.
Through it I can see you shuffle your feet and twiddle your fingers.
She's the addiction your body craves for.
But ironically it seems the more of you she tastes,
the more of you she wants to throw up.
You're the disease breaking down her insides.
Yeah it's you who's eating her alive.
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| IS this what it's like to be alone? |
[11 Jan 2004|01:09pm] |
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Alright so really, I don't want a live journal, I'm just trying to have a site where I can put up my poetry and shit like that for people to "experience" if you will and whether they like it or not, whatever. I know i love it when I can relate to someone or they can relate to me, it makes you feel like you're not alone and gives you sort of hope I guess. Yeah so I'm going to put up stuff and the date I write it (because I might not immediately post it, which is the case now because i have a ton of shit i want to post from a while back) so yeah. I'm sure I'll leave comments with what I write and feel free to give any feedback, negative or positive or random. Anyway, Big Fish is a great movie for anyone who is wondering and I think Underoath is great besides their Jesus obsession. Everyone keep Stranger by Day in your prayers and A Blessing in Tragedy in your hopes haha cya.
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